Works

A merry burgomaster
In a burgh upon the Rhine
Said, 'Our burghers all are
Far too fond of drinking wine.'
So the merry burgomaster,
When the burgomasters met,
Bade them look into the matter...

A Scotchman whose name was Isbister
Had a maiden giraffe he called 'sister'
When she said 'Oh, be mine,
Be my sweet Valentine!'
He just shinned up her long neck and kissed her.

To be a great musician you must be a man of moods,
You have to be, to understand sonatas and etudes.
To execute pianos and to fiddle with success,
With sympathy and feeling you must fairly effervesce;...

Oh! Montmorency Vere de Vere,
To think that one I held so dear
Should use a base deceiver's art
To trifle with my loving heart.

A brand new ten-cent valentine
With lace and hearts and verses fine,...

I told her I loved her and begged but a word,
One dear little word, that would be
For me by all odds the most sweet ever heard,
But never a word said she!

I raged at her then, and I said she was cold;...

(with apologies to Frederic Taber Cooper)

I well recall (and who does not)
The circus bill-board hippopotamus,
whose wide distended jaws
For fear and terror were good cause.
...

Well, eight months ago one clear cold day,
I took a ramble up Broadway,
And with my hands behind my back
I strolled along on the streetcar track'
(I walked on the track, for walking there...

Captain O'Hare was a mariner brave;
He refused to abandon his ship;
A hero, he sleeps in a watery grave,
And his widow is now Mrs. Bipp,
Haw! Haw!
His widow is now Mrs. Bipp!
...

I know something wonderful, wonderful;
So strange it will quite startle you;
So strange and absurd and unusual
It seems it can hardly be true!

I know something wonderful, wonderful;...

Comrades, many a year and day
Have fled since that glorious 9th of May
When we made the charge at Farmington.
But until our days on earth are done
Our blood will burn and our hearts beat fast...

Observe, my child, this pretty scene,
And note the air of pleasure keen
With which the widow's orphan boy
Toots his tin horn, his only toy.
What need of costly gifts has he?...

And now behold this sulking boy,
His costly presents bring no joy;
Harsh tears of anger fill his eye
Tho' he has all that wealth can buy.
What profits it that he employs
His many gifts to make a noise?...

Her heart she locked fast in her breast,
Away from molestation;
The lock was warranted the best,
A patent combination.
She knew no simple lock and key
Would serve to keep out Love and me.
...

The Sheep adorns the landscape rural
And is both singular and plural,
It gives grammarians the creeps
To hear one say, 'A flock of sheeps.'

The Sheep is gentle, meek and mild,...

You have heard of the wonderful one-hoss shay
That was built in such a logical way
It ran a hundred years to a day.
And then, of a sudden, it up and bust,
And all that was left was a mound of dust?...