Works

Here's to dear Ould Ireland,
Here's to the Irish lass,
Here's to Dennis and Mike and Pat,
Here's to the sparkling glass.
Here's to the Irish copper,
He may be green all right,...

A funny thing once happened to a German from Berlin,
For once he got too gay and seized a swordfish by the fin,
This made the big fish angry, and he sawed the German's chin....

Ting-ling--"South, please, 1085;
Why hello, Jim--Oh, Saints alive!
It's south, I told you--hello; no,
I said once that I could not go.

"Say, can you meet me there tonight?...

Say, I like toys,
Christmas toys.
Remember when we were boys
Long ago?
Then you were a kid
Not a beau.
And on Christmas Day,
Oh, say,
We got up in the dark
And had a jolly lark...

When you're feelin' blue as ink
An' your spirits 'gin to sink,
Don't be weak an' take a drink
But
Keep Tryin'.

There are times when all of us
Get riled up and start a muss,...

There was once an eccentric old coon,
Who ate dynamite with a spoon,
But when he got loaded
The powder exploded--
And now there's a coon in the moon.

A maddened horse comes down the street,
With waving mane and flying feet.
The crowd scatters in every direction;
It looks like a fight at a city election.
A big policeman waves his hands,...

'Tis Saturday morn and all is bright
By nature's own endowing;
The sun is fiercely giving light,
And only me--
Plowing.

Across the river I hear the sound
Of a boatman slowly rowing;...

Take up the household burden,
No iron rule of kings,
But make your family understand
That you are running things,
Don't storm around and bluster,
And don't get mad and swear...

A seedy young man in Savanah
Fell in love with a rich girl named Anna,
But her papa got mad
And swore that "By Gad,
The fellow shall never Havana!"

But the couple eloped to Caracas,...

With a clatter and a jangle,
And a wrangle and a screech,
How the old alarm clock wheezes
As it sneezes out of reach!
How you groan and yawn and stretch
In the chilly morning air,...

O, the circus parade! O, the circus parade!
It lays all the politics back in the shade,
And the merchants forget that they've got any trade,
While many remember they've never been paid...

Oh, let's go out to the county fair
And breathe the balmy country air,
And whittle a stick and look at the hosses,
Discuss the farmer's profit and losses.

We'll take a look at the country stock...

Why that's a doodle bug, my child
Who lives alone, remote and wild.
His domicile's a hole in the ground
And when at home he's easily found.
The only plan allowed by law...

(Man's Inhumanity to Hogs Makes Countless Thousands Squeal.)


I lived upon a little farm,
A happy hog was I,
I never dreamed of any harm
Nor ever thought to die.
...

Have you ever mused in silence upon a summer's day
And let your thoughts run riot and your feelings have full sway,
As you sprawled full length upon the grass in some secluded dell...

Ah, somewhere in another world
There is a warmer spot,
Where the fire is burning always.
And always it is hot;
And always fiends are shouting,
And always flames are blue,
And always Satan's asking:...

Lobsters haven't any feet,
But they have lots of claws;
Yet lobster meat is good to eat,
And this is strange, because--
A dog is never good to eat,
And yet a dog has paws,...

Good people if you have the mumps,
Or ever get down with the dumps;
Or have bad cold or aching pains,
Or ever suffer with chilblains--
Don't seek your doctor for advice,...

What a difference in the morning
When you try to raise your head;
When your eyelids seem so heavy
You could swear they were of lead;
When your tongue is thickly coated
And you have an awful thirst;...