Works

Oh, let's go out to the county fair
And breathe the balmy country air,
And whittle a stick and look at the hosses,
Discuss the farmer's profit and losses.

We'll take a look at the country stock...

Why that's a doodle bug, my child
Who lives alone, remote and wild.
His domicile's a hole in the ground
And when at home he's easily found.
The only plan allowed by law...

(Man's Inhumanity to Hogs Makes Countless Thousands Squeal.)


I lived upon a little farm,
A happy hog was I,
I never dreamed of any harm
Nor ever thought to die.
...

Have you ever mused in silence upon a summer's day
And let your thoughts run riot and your feelings have full sway,
As you sprawled full length upon the grass in some secluded dell...

Ah, somewhere in another world
There is a warmer spot,
Where the fire is burning always.
And always it is hot;
And always fiends are shouting,
And always flames are blue,
And always Satan's asking:...

Lobsters haven't any feet,
But they have lots of claws;
Yet lobster meat is good to eat,
And this is strange, because--
A dog is never good to eat,
And yet a dog has paws,...

Good people if you have the mumps,
Or ever get down with the dumps;
Or have bad cold or aching pains,
Or ever suffer with chilblains--
Don't seek your doctor for advice,...

What a difference in the morning
When you try to raise your head;
When your eyelids seem so heavy
You could swear they were of lead;
When your tongue is thickly coated
And you have an awful thirst;...

(Written in collaboration with R. B. Hamilton.)


When Julius Caesar met his death,
He muttered in his dying breath:
"It is not patriotism now
Prompts you to break your friendship's vow."...

Wake for the sun, that scatters into flight,
The poker players who have stayed all night;
Drives husbands home with reeling steps, and then--
Gives to the sleepy "cops" an awful fright.
...

O a fat turkey gobbler once sat on a limb
And he sighed at the wind, and the wind sighed at him.
But the grief of the gobbler one could not diminish,
For it was Thanksgiving and he saw his finish....

Beware the Sissy Boy my child,
Not because he's very wild;
The Sissy Boy is never that,
Although he'll run if you say "Scat!"
The Sissy Boy's infinitesimal,
He is not worth a duodecimal.
...

Far back within an age remote,
Which common history fails to note,
When dogs could talk, and pigs could sing,
And frogs obeyed a wooden king,
There lived a tribe of rats so mean,...

To sit and dream in a shady nook
While the phantom clouds roll by;
To con some long-remembered book
When the pulse of youth beats high.

To thrill when the dying sunset glows...

May the day that gave Christ birth
Bring you boundless joy and mirth,
Fill the golden hours with gladness,
Raise no thought to cause you sadness.

In days gone by, the poets wrote
Sweet verses to the ladies fair;
Described the nightingale's clear note,
Or penned an Ode to Daphne's hair.

To dare all for a woman's smile...

I never saw a purple cow,
You say you never saw one;
But this I'll tell you anyhow,
I know that I can draw one.

You lived in a land horror-haunted,
And wrote with a pen half-divine;
You drank bitter sorrow, undaunted
And cast precious pearls before swine.

What is transcendentalism?
Merely sentimentalism
With a dash of egotism
Somewhat mixed with mysticism.
Not at all like Socialism,
Nor a bit like Atheism,
Hinges not on pessimism,...

A young girl stands
Upon the sands,
And waves her hands--
Flirtation.

A fresh young man
With shoes of tan,
Looks spick and span--
Expectation.

They walk the beach,...