Works

My dear Madame Bernhardt, -
I have been very nigh addressing this ode
To the winner of the Derby.
But, on second thoughts, I said,
"No, no - never!"
(Non, non, jamais, in fact.)...

(On his Appearance at Sandringham)

Dear Mr. Dan Leno, -
This has been a great week
For Art -
One of the biggest weeks in fact
On record.
For at the beginning of the week, my dear Mr. Leno,...

Dear Mr. Pierpont Morgan, -
I hasten to give you a hearty British welcome.
Come to my arms;
I am in the Trust line myself -
That is to say, I used to be
Before people started putting up announcements...

My dear Next Christmas, -
It is an excellent journalistic thing,
Not to say a poetical thing,
To be first in the field.
Behold me, therefore, advancing
At the head of that motley army...

(On the Return of the "Ophir")

Most well-behaved little Prince, -
As the small boy
Who will one day be the Sovereign Lord
Of certain other small boys
In whom I am interested...

My dear Sir William Harcourt, -
(I have not time to get up your other distinguished names,
So that you must please excuse the plain Sir William),
My dear Sir William, do you ever survey the Liberal party,...

Dear Sir or Madam
(As the case may be), -
Peace hath her victories as well as war
And sometimes
When I have occasion to travel
In this muggy metropolis of ours,...

My dear Cambridge,
You have pulled it off,
As all men know.
This ode
Will make Oxford pretty sick;
But the spoils are to the victor.
If Oxford had rowed better
And won,...

(Before his Retirement)

My dear Sir Michael Hicks-Beach, -
The devotion of one's life
To the service of the Muses
And the neglect of golden opportunities,
Is not without its compensations,...

My dear Common Golfer, -
The game you affect
Is a great game
Played by yourself
And all the crowned heads of Europe,
Not to mention all the fat persons who desire to bant,...

(Aug. 3, 1901)

My dear "Daily Mail," -
To-day you attain
Your 1,650th number,
Which, for the sake of talking,
We will call your Jubilee.
Congratulations,
My dear Daily Mail,...

My dear Deceased Wife's Sister, -
(The wife of my bosom being still happily amongst us,
The above,
As the learned might say,
Is a misnomer.
You, on the other hand,
Are a Miss - - ,...

(On their Proposal to Banish Barmaids)

May it please your Worships,
For years past, Glasgow has stood in the forefront
As a city given over to the small-pox
And magisterial reform....

Dear Brindle, -
Possibly your name is not Brindle,
But that is of no consequence;
The great point, my dear Brindle, being
That when his Majesty Edward VII.
Landed at Flushing the other day...

(November 9th)

My dear Lord Mayor, -
In Fleet Street all is gay
From min' office window I catch glimpses
Of fluttering bunting and swinging festoons.
I don't know who pays for them...

My dear Sir, -
I suppose you are having an excellent time just now.
There are a large number of counties
In England and Scotland,
And I am not acquainted with one of them
Wherein your bang-bang...

My dear Sir, -
When men have nightmares, they dream about you.
I myself have been chased over the tops of pinnacles
By flaming-eyed Panhards and Durkopps
In my sleep.
Nor is this all,...

My dear Muddied Oaf, -
While still a youth and all unknown to fame,
I went to school.
And on a certain Saturday
I put on a beautiful blue jersey, and some striped knickers,...

My dear Poet Laureate, -
Do not, I implore you,
Be perturbed.
It is not my purpose to harp
Upon old strings,
Or to express the smallest satisfaction
Either with you as an official personage...

May it please your Holiness
There are possibly two,
Or it may be three,
Men
In Europe
Who could indite this Ode
Without treading on anybody's corns.
After mature reflection,...