Works

(A Response to Judge Mulligan's Famous Toast.)


The moonlight may be softest
In Kentucky,
And summer days come oftest
In Kentucky,
But friendship is the strongest...

When you're feelin' blue as ink
An' your spirits 'gin to sink,
Don't be weak an' take a drink
But
Keep Tryin'.

There are times when all of us
Get riled up and start a muss,...

"Oh lend me five," the young man cried,
"My money all is spent."
The maiden shook her head and sighed,
"I'm sorry but it's Lent."

I'm the ghost of that poor gobbler
Who used to be so great,
They took my poor, neglected bones
And piled them on a plate.
Reader, shed a kindly tear
For my unhappy fate.
...

The list is long, the stories read the same;
Strong mortal man is but a flesh-hued toy;
Some have their ending in a life of shame;
Others drink deeply from the glass of joy;...

John went into the garden one day
And found his baby sister at play;

John hit baby with a brick
And laughed because it made her sick.

John is only two and six...

Maud Muller on a summer's day,
Raked the meadows, sweet with hay.
Nor was this just a grand-stand play;
Maud got a rake-off, so they say.

(By A. Turkey Gobbler.)


I'm just a turkey gobbler,
But I've got a word to say
And I'd like to say it quickly
Before I pass away,
For I will get it in the neck
Upon Thanksgiving Day....

A cat duet.
A silhouette.
A high brick wall,
An awful squall.
A moonlit night,
A mortal fight.
A man in bed,
Sticks out his head.
Gee Whiz!
The man has riz.
His arm draws back...

There was once an eccentric old coon,
Who ate dynamite with a spoon,
But when he got loaded
The powder exploded--
And now there's a coon in the moon.

A maddened horse comes down the street,
With waving mane and flying feet.
The crowd scatters in every direction;
It looks like a fight at a city election.
A big policeman waves his hands,...

I knew a young man so conceited
That a glance at his face made you heated.
One night, playing whist,
He was slapped on the wrist,
Because some one said that he cheated.

(Mrs. Jefferson Davis, widow of the President of the Southern Confederacy died October 16, 1906.)


Oh weep fair South, and bow thy head
For one is gone beyond recall!
Cast flowers on the sainted dead...

'Tis Saturday morn and all is bright
By nature's own endowing;
The sun is fiercely giving light,
And only me--
Plowing.

Across the river I hear the sound
Of a boatman slowly rowing;...

Sprig, Sprig--Oh lovely Sprig!
Oh, hast thou cub to stay?
Add wilt the little birdies sig
Throughout the livelog day?
What bessage dost thou brig to be,
Fair Lady of by dreabs--...

There once was an old crocodile
Who lived on the banks of the Nile.
One day, for a meal,
He swallowed a wheel,
And ate for dessert, an automobile.

Take up the household burden,
No iron rule of kings,
But make your family understand
That you are running things,
Don't storm around and bluster,
And don't get mad and swear...

A seedy young man in Savanah
Fell in love with a rich girl named Anna,
But her papa got mad
And swore that "By Gad,
The fellow shall never Havana!"

But the couple eloped to Caracas,...

With a clatter and a jangle,
And a wrangle and a screech,
How the old alarm clock wheezes
As it sneezes out of reach!
How you groan and yawn and stretch
In the chilly morning air,...

O, the circus parade! O, the circus parade!
It lays all the politics back in the shade,
And the merchants forget that they've got any trade,
While many remember they've never been paid...